I just arrived back to my dorm after a great weekend. And as I sat there in the dead quiet of my room mates asleep, I realized how much I love a few people. Billy Hernandez, Eddie Paskor, and Lindsay Alford (no particular order)I had such a great weekend, and I love coming down, but everytime I have to go back to New York I'm just depressed as shit. And it doesn't get easier with more time. I only truly laugh and have a good time when I'm with them. And leaving them behind constantly just tears at my heart. So this is my oath and I swear it on anything and everything. I will never forget you three, ever, no matter what. Whether I'm famous or not I will always come back to you guys and I will never forget everything you've done for me. And if I do become famous then it will be the same, we will just have more money and freedom to do stupid things lol. And you can hold me on that.

Just as the subject denotes, it's been a while since I last wrote in this thing. I'm in New York and living the student life at the moment. As everyone knows I want to be an actor. And I'm well on my way to being able to achieve that goal. I'm busting my ass constantly and learning from my mistakes and becoming ever better. My teachers love me and I haven't had one complaint. Talent and dedication will get you far in this business, but then a little thing called luck can raise you the few extra feet you need to launch or knock the support right out from under you so you fall. Like everyone I've had my fair share of ups and downs. I like to believe I have the Devils luck, it seems to come and go at times. There is this kid who was in my group last semester who left 3 weeks in. A horrible actor with an even worse attitude. He is back in LA and just got cast as a major role as Lindsay Lohan's lover in a movie with Meryl Streep. There is no sign that I won't succeed, but that doesn't mean I can't worry.
Anyway, other things going on. I'm homesick. I miss Billy and Eddie so much. When I make it big (notice I say when) they will be taken care of. I'll see them soon, but will be leaving again just as quickly. That's the way it has to be I guess. The thing I can hold onto is that success will be so much sweeter when it comes about. Well that was a good vent. Can't estimate the next time I'll update so just hold your breath til then......*suckers*

Does it pay to care? Is there any benefit to opening yourself up?.....Yes. Some of the greatest things can happen to those who let themselves be known. Well, a few of them actually. To just about almost everyone else, it's just a painful experience.
People say I can look menacing or intimidating when in actuality I'm just chillin. Customers have made complaints about it people have shyed away from me because of it. Well the reason for it is because enough of me has died over my short time in this existance. And some more of me died again just recently.
I'm tired of crying in the shadows. I'm tired of the unnecissary pain. Only 3 people are close enough to me to know me. One is farthest along, and he knows me better than anyone ever has. The other two know me well, but not enough as the first. To everyone else, good fuckin luck....I'm done. You won't know me. I'm just gonna play the non-chalant smooth operator. Yeah it's more lonely that way, not letting anyone in, but I've been alone all my life anyway. It just hurts a lot less.

It's coming, the day when I start a new chapter in my life is drawing nearer and nearer. I'm starting this new chapter for myself because this is what I want to do, obviously. But more reasons have developed over the past few years. I'm doing this for everyone who has believed in me and helped me. I want to make you all proud and return the favor. You all know who you are.
But I will not accept life. I will not be anything other than what I want to be. I will give my all, my blood sweat and tears to what I want to be. But if I fail...I'm sorry.....

This is meant to be an addition to my previous entry. I had more I wanted to say but I was being distracted so all my thoughts didn't come out. Now the way it sounded, I made myself out to be someone who was only looking for one night stands and "wam bam thank you mams." Now while I'm not opposed to those kind of relationships, they're not exactly what I mean. I'm looking for short and sweet relationships. A month in length about at most. And in that month, we would have fun. I would show her a good time, listen to her, spend money on her, wine and dine her, and generally just create good memories for her and I. Memories that we can both look back on later in life and smile. Just a month of a perfect relationship, you know before the ignoring of each other when we're tired of hearing the same thing over and over again. Or before the lying to each other of our where abouts so we can see friends. Or before the suspicion of why they are 30 minutes later coming home than usual. And even before the want or need to stay at home for something other than a romantic candle lit dinner followed by one of those touching conversations in front of a fireplace or random television program that's only there for atmosphere. I want the spontenaity. I want to take a girl on a train ride across the country side and admire the landscape. I want to lie down in the grass with a girl and look up at the stars all night. I want the random passionate sex in the random place we find ourselves in. Now some might say that's the easy way out. My response to that is, "Why do you have to accept life?"
Here is my stance on relationships as of now. Maybe it cleared up some things from what my last entry might have impressed, maybe this was just a waste of your time and you still think I'm a pig. That's not to say that if the perfect girl for me came along that I would drop her. I would settle down with that girl. In fact there is already someone that fits that profile, it's just that nothing could happen between us as of now. There is also a potential as well...ooooo did that catch you by surprise? No hints on this one. But I'm done with waiting, I did that for a long time before. Anyone is welcome to try to change my stance on relationships though.

Was I mislead? I was lead to believe that people now a days around my age were not looking for forever. That we were all looking for a good time and marriage was too far off into the future to think about. I mean everyone in the movies is just having casual sex and trying to enjoy life. And don't give me that shit about, "It's a movie, it doesn't happen." Fuck you, just because it's in a movie doensn't mean it can't happen either. So why when I'm looking for a good time does someone want to have a serious relationship and live together. Don't get me wrong, I liked the girl and I had fun with her, but after being burned twice in love and finally leaving this suburban hell where everyone wants to settle down; I just want to have fun. As horrible as that may possibly sound, I don't really care. I don't want to be forever comfortable. I wanna not see my home for months at time, while I'm hopefully filming, and then come home and hang out with my brothers and such. Why do I have to be someone else's fairy tale?! I don't wanna see the same person everyday for the rest of my life, I don't want kids taking up my time. I have shit to do!! There is one person who is the exception to all this. I would settle down with this girl, still being an actor mind you, but I woouldn't mind seeing her all my life. And I would have kids with this girl too. Anyone who knows me well enough will figure out who this girl is. But she is the only exception!

Here's a quote I thought of when I was walking one day. Just think about it before you react to it:

ARE WE TRYING TO AVOID HELL, OR JUST ESCAPE IT.

So why so I act the way I do? Why do I seem to be conceeded, cocky, and full of myself? It's actually very simple. It hurts less. Reality hurts, not to mention bites. But like all of us, you gotta go through it. I guess I'm fortunate to be able to ignore it by entering my own little reality where I am a god among men. It's all an act though, I don't believe 90% of my hype. It's just like I said though, it hurts less in mine. Well less often really. Not to say I don't feel the sting, it actually hits harder when my reality is shattered. Because the shit of the world only builds up. Bad day.

So a friend of mine once asked me what does any of it matter, life he meant. There's just gonna be a big asteriod that's going to just ruin everyone's shit when it hits. Now while that's incredibly unlikely in mine or his life time, you gotta remember that shit happens. So I passed on my outlook on life. The best thing that you can hope for, is to not have any regrets and live your life as fully as you can. (I think I made up the word fully) Who know what's waiting for us, so you might as well enjoy life while you can.
People ask me how I can do what I do, live my life the way I choose, and just face uncertainty with total impunity. Well it's the knowledge that I don't know that gives me my strength. There is as good a chance that what follows death is a river of fire and satan (I'm most likely going to hell) as it is something happier. Like a new life with new adventures and uncertainties to face. And maybe Hell isn't as bad as it's made out to be, maybe there isn't a hell or heaven. Maybe we're just here by some freak accident. There is no certainty, so why should I live my life in fear of something I know no facts about. Besides, if I listened to every warning I've been given in my life, then I wouldn't be where I am today I wouldn't even be who I am today.
Personally I hope there will be a new life to explore in another time and another place when I die. A time and place where chivalry still exists in more than a few, there are still new places to explore, and dangers lurk in those forbidden forests and tall mountain tops. Think of a world that looks like Final Fantasy 10. Absolutely beautiful to look at and at the same time dangerous to the unprepaired. Because what is life without risk? Now I'm not trying to say I'm morbid and facinated with death, but if you think about it risking your life is the most pure emotion and one of the greatest rushes you can have. Love used to be the most pure emotion, until the idea of catagorizing love came along. For instance: I love you but I'm not in love with you. Plus you have people swearing their love and then cheating and leaving the one they love behind all the time. You can't split death into stipulations. You are either alive or dead. You fight or run. Kill or be killed.
That was my random thought that I guess became a rant. Oh well...take it easy mates.

I didn't think I would get one of these journal accounts cuz I'm never online enough, but I guess I can record my random thoughts at times. Maybe someone will stumble upon them one day.

What prompted me to write something? I guess it because I was reading a friend's entry and the subject matter depressed me even more. For those of you who will recognize the username, you might me surprised to to find out that I get depressed. I should be like the name denotes, Jack Sparrow happy-go-lucky adventurer without a care in the world...except for the rum of course....and the Black Pearl. And while that does hold true for me, there is more underneath the surface. I observe and understand things that I don't make public, there's a lot more going on up there *points to head* than I let others privy to know.

With friends I'm a pirate, alone I'm wounded and ....for lack of a better word alone. About a year ago I was coming home and crying myself to sleep. And about a year ago, I stopped. I became happy again. Almost anyone who knows me will know why I was unhappy, but only a few if they think hard enough will know why I was happy again.

Except now I'm becoming depressed when I'm alone again. Luckily I have amazing friends I didn't have a year ago to keep me company and make me forget my troubles, and let me be my pirate self more often. My 6 brothers and the one who would be my sister, I owe you all so much.

I know why I'm becoming depressed again though; it gets us all eventually, this is actually my second time. LOVE. That beautiful, accursed four letter word. Love, the greatest joy you can ever experience and at the same time the most tremendous pain you can inflict on yourself. I should be through with love, twice I opened myself up to it and twice it turned it's back on me. The first time my heart was ripped out and then played with. The second was a soft release. I bare no ill will to the second subject, I understand the reasoning...it just hurts. So why am I still searching for love you ask? It's probably because I'm a romantic dreamer at heart. As jaded as I am, I want someone to feel the same way I can feel about them, to hold me when I can't stand anymore and tell me they love me and everything will be fine. I've never had that before. I grew up alone and handled everything alone. *snicker* how very un-pirate of me. But then again, I don't have anyone here to take my mind off these things either.

Oh well, the on going search will continue as usual. To most I may be more now than you used to see me, but there is one very important thing you must never forget....I'm Captain Jack Sparrow, savvy?